We have the power to escalate each other and help calm each other.
Take a look at what it means to center yourself and how it can help reduce conflicts, increase connection and relieve stress.
Have you ever noticed how quickly things can escalate between you an another person?
It’s almost like we are wired to mirror each other…and guess what…? we are.
We are wired for mirroring others
According to the American Psychological Association, “Mirror neurons are a type of brain cell that respond equally when we perform an action and when we witness someone else perform the same action.” Also known as emotional contagion, basically put, our emotional states can be transferred between each other (Dezecache et al., 2013).
So what does that have to do with centering ourselves?
Well, if we have such a strong impact on each other, why not utilize it to try and improve our relationships? our ability to recognize the effect we have on one another can even encourage us to get centered during a tense moment with our partner. By finding a centered, calm space within you, you can minimize your part in the escalation process – helping to improve mutual empathy and, intern, reduce potential conflict and cultivate a more stable, safe connection (Pillay, 2018).
I don’t know about you, but just writing these words is making me feel more centered already!
Let's Take a Deeper Dive Into the
Benefits of Centering Ourselves
The act of centering is a meditative and visualization technique that can support you in retaining focus, promoting relaxation, and relieving anxiety (American Psychological Association, 2022). An analogy to better understand the centering technique is the visualization of a pendulum.
When you hold the pendulum high on one side, then let go, it naturally moves back and forth, swaying from one extreme end to the other until it slowly gets closer to the middle. When feeling distracted or anxious, like a pendulum, your thoughts tend to also teeter between extremes (aka cognitive distortions).
However, when you are able to recognize this pattern and become mindful. By focusing on your breath and making a conscious effort to soften and ground, your thoughts can begin to quietly slow down. Furthermore, you more rational, prefrontal cortex can come back online and help you see things from a more objective, clear view.
The centering technique described above is derived from an ancient martial arts practice in Japan called Aikido, which is often translated as the “harmonious spirit” (Windle & Samko, 1992). Aikido used meditation and breathing exercises from Zen Buddhism to center emotions, harmonize energy, and promote calmness (Lukoff & Strozzi-Heckler, 2017). Modern-day centering techniques use mindful breathing to bring attention to one thing at a time, limit mental distractions, and bring physical balance (Rogerson & Hrycaiko, 2002).
Centering for the High-Stakes
centering is also often used by sports psychologists who use the technique to better support and train athletes in their preparation for competitions and games. Sports psychologists argue that the most basic centering skill—mindful breathing—can help you de-stress, reduce negative self-talk, and focus on the moment you are in, rather than fixating on the past and future.
3 Techniques to Help Center Yourself in the Moment
Here are some strategies to mitigate feelings of overwhelm or uneasiness (Laurie & Tucker, 1983):
- Focus on your breath. The simplest and most fundamental centering technique is conscious or mindful breathing. Tension between us and our partner can be triggering. it can cause our thoughts to race and our stress-response to activate, resulting in rapid or shallow breathing, elevated heart-rate, muscle tension, and a surge of adrenalin and cortisol (“Stress Effects on the Body,” 2023). But breath work is one of the most effective tools for counteracting this response! So, If you notice yourself feeling off-centered or overwhelmed, pause to breathe. Take a deep breath in, hold it for a few seconds, and then let your breath out. Pushing gently against your stomach may help to slowly let any air out. Repeat this process as many times as desired before continuing with your conversation.
- Grounding your feet. Conflict with our partner can easily make us feel overstimulated and we can forget to pay attention to (or feel disconnected from) the rest of our bodies. One way to counter-act this feeling is by grounding your feet. Take a moment to stand tall, firmly plant both of your feet on the ground, and feel your energy slowly move down from your head to your feet. This grounding technique can help release tension in your head, shoulders, and neck.
- journaling to release. Sometimes thoughts can be piercingly loud in our heads, making it difficult to hold a productive conversation or regulate our emotional state. One technique to return to your center is by quieting your thoughts with daily journaling. Whether you have a journal you like to write in or just want to use the notes app on your phone, dumping out negative thoughts about your partner, the ongoing problems that you get stuck ruminating about, fears and insecurities, or general frustrations onto paper can help you process your feelings a bit, release some of the burdens from your mind, and feel more calm inside.
In Sum
The health of our relationships, especially our intimate partnerships, is vital to our well-bing and overall happiness. With all the responsibilities we have in life and the problems we may often have to face, it is easy for us to become off-centered and for our overwhelm to bleed over into our relationships. But now you know you have some power to change that! So when those feelings of stress start to overpower our minds and bodies, making us feel triggered or distracted, it may be helpful to try practices that could help bring us back to center. centering is a great technique to incorporate into your daily life or meditation practice.
I hope this article encourages you to tap into the potential power you have to improve your own well-being and that of your important relationships.
Katie Bingner, MS, LCPC-S, is a integrative trauma-informed psychotherapist, Board approved clinical supervisor, teacher, speaker, writer, and communication coach, who’s spent the past 16 years in the health and wellness industry. Katie has dedicated the past 8 years to helping others (and herself) navigate mental health challenges, live a fulfilling life, and embrace humanness.
Click here for information or to book a free Communication Coaching consultation with Katie!
References
APA Dictionary of Psychology by American Psychological Association (2015–02-28). (2022). American Psychological Association (APA).
Dezecache, G., Conty, L., Chadwick, M., Philip, L., Soussignan, R., Sperber, D., & Grèzes, J. (2013). Evidence for unintentional emotional contagion beyond dyads. PLOS ONE, 8(6), e67371. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0067371
Laurie, S. G., & Tucker, M. J. (1983). Centering: A guide to inner growth. Inner Traditions/Bear & Co.
Lukoff, D., & Strozzi-Heckler, R. (2017). Aikido: A martial art with mindfulness, somatic, relational, and spiritual benefits for veterans. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 4(2), 81.
Ortigue, S., & Bianchi-Demicheli, F. (2008). Why is your spouse so predictable? Connecting mirror neuron system and self-expansion model of love. Medical Hypotheses, 71(6), 941–944. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.mehy.2008.07.016
Pillay, S., MD. (2018). Brain science to improve your relationships. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/brain-science-to-improve-your-relationships-2018100414922
Rogerson, L. J., & Hrycaiko, D. W. (2002). Enhancing competitive performance of ice hockey goaltenders using centering and self-talk. Journal of applied sport psychology, 14(1), 14-26.
Stress effects on the body. (2023, March 8). https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body
Windle, R., & Samko, M. (1992). Hypnosis, Ericksonian hypnotherapy, and aikido. American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 34(4), 261-270.