Do you see a pattern of “self-sabotage” in your life? Find out how you can recognize self-sabotaging behaviors and reduce them.
Self-Sabotage is Common and Understandable
We’ve all been there: buying a gym membership with the goal of exercising more often and then never using it or planning to start an assignment early but then postponing it until the very last minute. You might even ask yourself why you keep doing this. If you feel trapped in patterns that keep repeating themselves even though you’d like for more positive outcomes to happen, you might be experiencing self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage happens when your actions or thoughts hold you back from accomplishing what you want. Sometimes, you do this without even realizing it. But when you sabotage yourself, the behavior and thought patterns you engage in create obstacles in achieving your goals. Sometimes, you might be aware of your self-sabotaging behavior, for example when you procrastinate on an important task or don’t stick to a plan after making commitments. Other times, self-sabotage can look less clear. For example, you might create distance between yourself and your partner after an intimate moment, maybe after they said: “I love you.” In this example, you may be unconsciously preparing in case the relationship doesn’t work but you may also be self-sabotaging a potentially successful relationship (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021).
Although self-sabotage can lead to negative outcomes, it actually starts as a protective mechanism to keep us safe from any potential danger or harm. For our minds, what is familiar is considered safe, so any attempt to let go of the familiar and embrace the unfamiliar might trigger self-sabotaging mechanisms.
How to Curb Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage is the brain’s way of telling you that you are about to leave what’s familiar and go toward what’s unfamiliar. And this is normal: your brain is just trying to keep you safe. However, this might stand in your way of achieving your goals and living by your values. So to reduce self-sabotaging, it can be helpful to become more aware of your triggers and practice being more accepting of the discomfort that comes with uncertainty. Here are some tips to explore:
Know yourself. To fight the cycle of self-sabotage, it is important to learn your triggers and identify your self-sabotaging behaviors. Making time to reflect and find patterns in your behavior can be very useful. So look for areas in your life where things seem to go wrong regularly or where you’d like to achieve more success. For instance, you may unconsciously sabotage your relationship by detaching yourself emotionally when you realize the relationship is becoming more serious.
Practice mindfulness. When you focus your awareness in a non-judgmental way on some of the triggers or behaviors that lead to self-sabotage, you can not only learn more about yourself but also generate more self-understanding. This insight can have a positive impact on your motivation to practice more challenging, but value-driven behavior choices.
Practice self-compassion. Studies show that having self-compassion is related to happiness, wisdom, and emotional resilience (Neff, Rude & Kirkpatrick, 2007). When you practice self-compassion, you can more easily go from where you are now to where you want to be.
Practice acceptance. You can try practicing acceptance by saying things such as “What happened in the past cannot be changed. I can react differently now.” Acceptance is simple, but not often easy. It’s an ongoing practice and process, so pair it with #3 for greater success!
Reframe. One reason self-sabotage is so common is that some parts of our brain are trying to keep us safe from danger. Try to shift the narrative from “I can’t do this” by engaging in compassionate curiosity. Be curious about where this tagline came from, how long it’s been around, and the impact it has had on your ability to live a meaningful and fulfilled life. This is how you retrain the brain to become an “ally” instead of the “enemy” and disrupt the self-sabotaging cycle.
Get more comfortable with failure. Self-sabotage might come from a fear of failure or rejection, which can make you avoid trying hard things. If you don’t try, then you don’t risk the immediate rejection that can accompany failure. In this case, you unconsciously sabotage yourself. For example, in a new and happy relationship, you might be inclined to believe it is only a matter of time before the metaphorical dropping of the other shoe, so you start to do things that create tension (like starting arguments or ruminating about your partner’s “annoying” habits). Since all intimate relationships come with risk, try asking yourself if the reward of the current connection is worth the risk of not knowing how it will turn out (and commit to doing your best).
References
Neff, K. D., Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of research in personality, 41(4), 908-916.
Peel, R., & Caltabiano, N. (2021). Why do we sabotage love? a thematic analysis of lived experiences of relationship breakdown and maintenance. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(2), 99-131.