What even are “red flags” and why is it so important to recognize them in our relationships? An even bigger question: What should I do when I do find some?
Keep reading to learn about seven of the major relationship red flags to watch out for and some tips for what to do if you come across them.
Red flags – in interpersonal relationships, to be specific – are behaviors or characteristics from another person that suggest you may not want to spend time with them (Csajbok et al., 2023). This may be because you sense they will be unpleasant, uninteresting, or even dangerous; while the negative outcomes that could result from interacting with that person will vary, what is clear is that these red flags are omens of worse behaviors to come (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021).
The defining essence of a red flag is that it indicates future harm or unpleasantness, should you keep spending time with the person (Csajbok et al., 2023). In this way, red flags can also be understood as characteristics or behaviors that helpfully signal to us, “stay away” – this way, we can avoid investing further in relationships that are not good for us.
Red flags offer us a check point for our investment – do I really want to stay connected to this person or should I start backing away? Especially before it gets really hard to disengage from the relationship (Jonason et al., 2015).
It’s important to recognize that all interactions between people feature some degree of both reward and risk. Red flags are important because they offer us clear signals of potential risks in the situation (Csajbok et al., 2023).
We are neurologically wired to constantly evaluate our environments in order to detect signs of reward and risk (Britton et al., 2011); potentially rewarding things motivate us to come closer, while potentially risky things give us pause. Red flags cause us to hesitate – they activate our threat appraisal systems.
Examples of Red Flags
Seeking to better understand the nuances of human relationships, researchers have tried to identify and categorize red flags, sometimes known as “dealbreakers”. One such study produced a number of categories from which we can draw helpful examples, at least with regard to romantic relationships (Jonason et al., 2015):
- Unattractiveness. It is often hard to sustain interest in a person we find physically unattractive.
- Unhealthy Lifestyle. It might be extremely challenging to be in a relationship with a person who is not very interested in experiencing the world in the ways that you like.
- Undesirable Personality Traits. For example, someone who repeatedly interrupts you is probably either disinterested or unable to pay attention. Either way, if you continue to interact with the other person, you may not feel heard.
- Different Existential Beliefs. Some people say that they could never date somebody who believes in God, and others insist that they can only date somebody who is religious. This might be related to fears that somebody with different religious beliefs will not share important core values with us (Furnham, 2009).
- Limited Social Status. While it may not sound fair or very charitable, people who have few social connections are often seen as undesirable and can trigger our red flag alert.
- Opposing Perspectives on Relationships. You’ve probably heard a friend relate how much they enjoyed a date… until they realized the other person was interested in more (or less!) commitment than they were.
- Differing Relationship Goals. On a similar note, people may match up in many different ways, but if they do not share a similar philosophy toward having children, or how to balance professional versus personal priorities, they may recognize this incompatibility as a key red flag.
Essential Red Flags in Relationships
Relationship red flags can signal more than “this isn’t the person for me.” Red flags also highlight the possibility that somebody is actually a threat to us (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021). Two researchers even developed a measure of relationship red flags, with the goal of relating those behaviors to people’s risk of experiencing dating violence (Kearney & O’Brien, 2021). They found five categories of essential red flag behavior and showed that people who recognized these behaviors as red flags held firmer boundaries around dating violence:
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Monitoring: When a family member or romantic partner wants to know exactly where you are and what you are doing at all times, they are monitoring you far beyond what is typical in relationships.
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Controlling: Another red flag is attempting to control behaviors of yours that should be yours to decide. Whether or not you see friends and family members, when you go to the grocery store, and how long you talk to people on the phone are decisions you get to make, not your partner.
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Demeaning: Any comments that are truly insulting or dismissive suggest a lack of respect and care for you, which will probably show up in other ways over time, too.
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Threatening and Aggressive: Where there is aggression of one kind (for example, warning you that there will be consequences if you do something), than there is likely to be aggression of another kind (e.g.: Physical, financial, etc.) eventually.
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Jealous and Possessive: Finally, it is a clear red flag when one person does not want the other to live a fulfilling and independent life of their own.
Options for Addressing Red Flags
There are generally two categories of red flags you might encounter: those that clearly demonstrate a person is unsafe or unhealthy to be around, and those that demonstrate that they are not a good fit for you, the perceiver of the red flags.
When you come across red flags that indicate someone isn’t a good fit for you, assertive communication techniques can help you navigate disengagement skillfully. This path is framed with boundary setting and can help you practice mutual respect and kindness, while letting someone know you aren’t interested in staying connected.
If you aren’t sure, let your intuition guide you. When you sense something is off – you can identify the red flags with a little reflection. Journaling about past relationships can offer you insight into possible unhealthy relationship patterns and the red flags that have shown up along the way.
However, if the red flags are indicating danger or toxic dynamics, assertiveness is not, necessarily, the right strategy. In this case, passive communication can be less risky because is often less triggering than assertiveness. This can offer you time to seek and establish safety (e.g.: identifying and building social support, quietly creating a plan for disconnection, identifying vital resources to help you find and maintain independence once you’ve disconnected, etc.).
If you or someone you know is in a “essential red flag” relationship, please visit THIS WEBSITE or call 1-800-799-7233 for help and resources.
To Sum It Up...
Interpersonal relationships often come with red flags. It’s not always clear to us why or what they mean, but if we can begin to build self-awareness and get connected to our own personal values, the red flags, and our options for addressing them, can become much clearer!
Hopefully this article has helped start that process and given you an opportunity to consider what red flags of incompatibility are for you, specifically. Knowing what you do and do not want from relationships is vital for developing and maintaining healthy, loving bonds – which we all deserve.
References
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Britton, J. C., Lissek, S., Grillon, C., Norcross, M. A., & Pine, D. S. (2011). Development of anxiety: The role of threat appraisal and fear learning. Depression and Anxiety, 28(1), 5-17.
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Csajbók, Z., White, K. P., & Jonason, P. K. (2023). Six “red flags” in relationships: From being dangerous to gross and being apathetic to unmotivated. Personality and Individual Differences, 204, 112048.
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Furnham, A. (2009). Sex differences in mate selection preferences. Personality and Individual Differences, 47(4), 262-267.
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Jonason, P. K., Lyons, M., & Blanchard, A. (2015). Birds of a “bad” feather flock together: The Dark Triad and mate choice. Personality and Individual Differences, 78, 34-38.
Katie Bingner, MS, LCPC, is a integrative trauma-informed psychotherapist and communication coach, who’s spent the past 16 years in the health and wellness industry. Katie has dedicated the past 8+ years to helping others (and herself) navigate mental health challenges, Learn the skills of connection, as well as how to embrace our shared humanness.
Reach out to learn more about Katie’s services