What do we say to someone who has lost their loved one? How do we support those in grief, when words fall short?
A personal story of grief and saying the wrong thing
My grandmother (and last living grandparent) died a few years ago. Next to my beloved dog companion (who I’d lost 2 years prior), the death of my grandma has been the most significant loss in my life, to date. The guttural, phantom pain – I was not prepared to feel it.
At her memorial, I was doing my best to hold it together. Family, friends, neighbors filled her kitchen and living room. I did my best to float around, trying not to stop anywhere I would be required to participate too much. I was hazed in a fog of grief and wanted to be left alone.
Then, someone arrived that my grandmother was fairly close with. Arguably, one of the closest people to my grandmother when she was alive, after me and my parents. She be-lined right for me. Grabbed me in a big hug – that was nice. I thought, finally, another person who might really get how I feel. But then she started talking…
She began to ramble about her shock and grief…and then turned the focus of her verbal vomit on me and my wife. She went on and on about how my grandmother wasn’t OK with my Queer relationship, how she struggled so much to get past it and accept my wife as family. She made sure to highlight the pivotal role she thought she had played in my grandmother “coming around.”
I stood there in shock and disbelief. This was all news to me. I mean listen, I was in no way naive about my grandmother’s prejudices. But she’d never been anything but loving, open and kind to me and my partner. In fact, we joked that she loved my wife more…
I could tell this person was in her own painful state of grief. A state that has a way of taking us over and drives us to do and say regrettable things. So, I didn’t say anything to her, instead I excused myself and went to cry.
Ironically, the most memorable support I received that day was from my grandmother’s neighbor. Someone I have never exchanged more than a few pleasantries in passing with. He came in, walked directly up to me, said “Katie, I am so sorry.” Opened his arms to offer a hug and then quietly left. He got it, and I will never forget it.
Knowing what to say can feel impossible
Look – death and permanent loss is one of the harshest realities we all face in this life and It’s really hard to know what to say to someone who’s deep in the pain of their grief.
But the biggest mistake we tend to make (in my opinion) is thinking we HAVE to say anything at all. In these moments of life, it is not only OK, but preferable, to simply show up. Offering our presence is often far more valuable than any words or sentiments we can scrounge together, especially when we speak them mindlessly (and risk causing additional pain).
So let’s start by simply acknowledging that finding the right words to say to someone in grief feels impossible because there are no words that will bring a griever true peace. The only thing they want is the one thing they can’t have – their loved one back.
Things to say to someone in grief: Do’s & Don’ts
That being said, There are some words and sentiments that sufficiently communicate – we get it. We get that nothing anyone says will quell the anguish. We get that the pain of grief feels unbearable and that the best we can do, won’t come close to being enough.
There are also some all-too-common messages that often make things worse. Sentiments that pile more burden onto the shoulders of the grieving. Let’s take a look at some examples of each below:
Do:
- Say Nothing. The painful reality, is that nothing anyone can say, will ease the pain of losing a loved one. So rather than stress about finding “the right thing” to say, focus on being present and offering care (like a hug, hand hold, or just sitting the the person).
- “I’m thinking about you.” Letting someone know they are in your thoughts and/or prayers is a gentle acknowledgment that they are not alone in their pain and that you care about what they are going through. Offer this check-in somewhat consistently, based on what you know about the griever’s support system (i.e.: more often for those who have less).
- “I don’t know what to say, but I love you and I am here.” Acknowledging you aren’t sure what to say is honest (and much more appreciated than saying the wrong thing!) Then let the person know how much they are loved and that you are able to sit with them in their pain. You can also offer specific types of support (e.g.: cleaning, cooking, driving, etc.), but be sure not to impose help that is declined.
- “I am so sorry.” Simple and honest, this very genuine statement often says it all. Paired with additional non-verbal (I.e.: the offering of a hug, placing a hand over your heart, a facial expression of sadness or pain) and para-verbal (I.e.: soft and low tone of voice, slow pacing of speech, minimal inflection) cues, the communication becomes more full and satisfying to both sender and receiver.
Don’t:
- Say their loved one is in a better place. Regardless of someone’s beliefs, when we are grieving (especially early on) ALL we want is our loved one back, by our side and in our life. The last thing we often want is a positive spin about the hole in our heart.
- suggest what they should be grateful for. Saying things like, “At least they are no longer in pain…” or “At least you got to see them one last time…” or “At least you got X amount of years with them…” Simply put, this will not help someone deep in grief. Finding gratitude often (but not always) comes with the healing process and with time – it’s a very personal journey. So instead of being helpful, such platitudes often send the message that you would prefer they look on “the bright side” so that you can feel less uncomfortable in their presence. What the griever usually hears is some version of “could you stop being such a downer?”
- Tell them it’s time to move on. Oof, this one makes me cringe every time I think about it. It screams to the griever “I am over this and you should be too” without any consideration for the very real, daily impact the loss has had on their life, identity and future outlook. So why would we say such a thing to someone who’s already in so much pain? First, our culture grossly underestimates the impact that death and loss has on our lives. This stems, in part, from a visceral discomfort with emotionality. Death and loss are reminders of our vulnerability and impermanence, so we are taught to “keep it moving” and that “there’s no point in wallowing,” which, to my ear, all sound like hyper-misogynistic sentiments that shame our sense of humanity and the deep love and connection we feel for others.
Sending supportive correspondence
What about when you can’t be there to offer your condolences in person? Sending supportive correspondence can feel just as tricky, as we often rely more on our non- and para-verbal communication skills in these situations. Below are some thoughtful and appropriate ways you can show your support to someone in grief, when you can’t be there.
1. I remember when…Sharing a story about their lost loved one is a beautiful way to honor their memory. Over the phone, in a letter, or a video message – however you choose to share – be sure to add as many specific details as you can. By doing this, you are offering one of the most precious gifts a griever can receive, the gift of connection so someone they will never make a new memory with again.
2. Meaningful quotes. There are some poignant words of wisdom that speak to the pain of loss in a way we might not know how to. Here are some of my favorites:
- “Some things cannot be fixed, they can only be carried.” – Megan Devine
- “Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen.” – David Kessler
- “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
– Unknown - “Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman
3. In honor of. Planting a tree, making a donation, gifting the griever wind-chimes or honoring their loved one in some other, thoughtful way that would be appropriate (i.e.: would have been meaningful to the one gone and/or to the griever) is a lovely gesture that requires nothing from the grieving person, but let’s them know their loved one was meaningful to you too.
Grief Resources
Because death, dying, and grief are topics we still often keep in the shadows, I wanted to offer you some other valuables to take with you. Whether you’re the one in grief or the one supporting a griever – these resources will hopefully help you feel less alone.
I hope this article has proven helpful for navigating your communication with those who are in grief.
Websites:
Support Groups:
Tender Hearts Grief Support Community
Gilchrist Grief Support Groups & Workshops
Additional Resources:
Katie Bingner, MS, LCPC, is a integrative trauma-informed psychotherapist and communication coach, who’s spent the past 16 years in the health and wellness industry. Katie has dedicated the past 8+ years to helping others (and herself) navigate mental health challenges, Learn the skills of connection, as well as how to embrace our shared humanness.
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